My dog, Pepe! (Pronounced Peppy, by the way)

Haven’t you always wanted to know what your pets are thinking when they sit on the carpet, steadily glaring at your fistful of popcorn? Is it “One day, human, it will be you on this desolate excuse for a seating arrangement, with me, your supreme commander, high above you, laughing evilly as I consume various delicacies, cruelly forcing you to watch each and every bite! Mwahahahahaha!!!!!!!” or possibly “Maybe if I open my eyes just a little bit wider, and make some more pathetic whining sounds, she’ll give me some.” Or maybe it’s just “What’s that white stuff?”

I’ve always wanted to know, so if I was given the opportunity to have a Q & A session with absolutely anybody, I would put pet owners out of their misery, and have it with my dog. Here are some of the questions that I would ask him (Bearing in mind that my particular labby is slightly less intelligent than an onion, I’ve made them pretty simple):

1. What are you thinking when you sit on the carpet, steadily glaring at my fistful of popcorn?
2. Do you actually enjoy rolling in bird poop, or is it just something you do to spite us for having just given you a bath?
3. What have you been licking before you lick our faces?
4. What is it that you have against my slippers? I mean, they never did anything to you, and yet you insist on your nightly routine of ripping them to blue, fluffy shreds!
5. What is the actual grudge that you hold against cats? You’ve been fighting with them since your creation, but is there actually a reason?
6. What do get up to while out at work and school? Do you just lie there, or do you have some secret lab, where you conduct evil experiments or something?
7. What goes through your mind when you hear fireworks?
8. OK, what is it with you and the postman? Is it written in some ancient canine scripture that thou shall hate and mutilate he who delivers the mail or what?
9. Do you love your family, or are we just your meal ticket?
10. Do you understand what we’re trying to say to you, and just act dumb to annoy us? Or are you really thick enough to be used as a highway bridge?

Well, when I posed these questions to Pepe, I just got a blank stare, followed by a disinterested sniffing of his paws, so if anyone there happens to have worked out how to hold a conversation with a dog, please drop me a line!